Meds

     Well, seeing that I am withdrawing from a medication (epival), I thought I would take the time to write about my good friend, my constant companion, psych meds. Crazy pills, happy pills, call them whatever you like, they have come to my rescue, and all they wanted in return was my liver, kidneys and cognitive functioning. Don't get me wrong, the benefits outweigh the risks....for me. I know plenty of people that have run into troubles breathing, heart palpitations and weight gain. I used the weight gain excuse to eat barbecue. And lots of it. Was it worth the girth? Yes, yes it was.

     Back at the ranch...
Meds were first introduced to me in 2002, by way of my family Doctor. I was in a psychosis, I was in a major depressive episode,  my anxiety and OCD were off the charts and I had been phobic for 2-3 months. I was given 20mg of Paxil, after being mislead by another "Doctor." (I later found out he bought his phD online!) This phoney had no idea what was going on and he thought that the answer was taking a Summer semester and going on the Zone diet. He also wanted to see me everyday. At $200.00 a pop, he was genuinely financially benefitting from my worsening state. And worsening it was.

     I was afraid of the colour red, afraid that I would forget how to breathe, which lead to the other fear of putting food in my mouth and therefor obstructing the breathing process. I was also afraid of leaving the house, being IN the house, enclosed spaces, being alone, seeing knives and showers. I was bathing, however. I didn't let that slide. But it was very frightening. I felt like I couldn't breathe. And when I say afraid, I mean terrified. Full blown panic attacks with racing heart, shallow breath, that hyper alert cum sinking feeling that only a good, solid panic attack gives. Not so much a "oh shit, I left my keys at home" feeling, but a "I just witnessed a car accident where someone's head popped off" feeling. Thankfully, my Mum took me the heck away from that Doctor's 4 month incompetence spree and took me to my family Doctor.

    A free three week sample of paxil was given to me. Within a few short days,  Paxil took the edge off. I was able to slowly desensitize myself. I could ride in cars, look at the colour red and eat. Everytime my mood dipped, I was handed another 10mg. By the time I was on Paxil for 6 years, I was on 60mg a day. By this time, I was working, going to school and running a small online business shucking fake Chanel for cash. Then, I started to dip into major depressive episodes. I would feel high as a kite and then a few months later, I wouldn't be able to leave my bed. Paxil came at a small cost. I felt dizzy if I bent over or moved around too much. My orgasms were not as mind blowing and I had some spells of cotton mouth. Not too bad. It was in 2008 that I was so depressed, I wouldn't leave the bed from Monday to Friday. I would order pizza, have it delivered and feast. Once a day. I thought that it was Paxil no longer working. So, I went to a different family Doctor and asked for the "catch o' the day". I first had to get off of Paxil. A ha ha ha ha ha. Have you ever cut yourself off from crack, cold turkey? Child's play in comparison. You can't walk, think, eat, or live, really. You pretty well fall around everywhere, and I had a panic attack that lasted what seemed like two weeks. And if you want to sleep...good luck. No energy and insomnia? Batter up!

     I was put on celexa. Mmmmm! Good eatin'. I felt a little better and I was able to travel. However, if you want to have a searing ball of anger in your throat for no apparent reason, celexa is the med for you. It quickly made me a pleasure to be around and I went off of it and picked up Effexor. A little known side effect is that it makes you incontinent. That's right. You pee yourself. That one isn't on the side of the box. But it was buried in a huge study that the Mayo Clinic did. Luckily, I worked with dogs at this point and they loved it. I quickly became a huge hit in the canine community. They could read me like a book!

     I decided to get off of meds, altogether. That was a fun Christmas. Egg nog, cranberry jelly and meltdowns. Let's just say I went through a lot of waterproof mascara. (Diorshow for the win!)

     After a few months of mania and the resulting crash, I cracked up, 2002 style. I was put on 80mg of Paxil and then lasted a year sailing on that. I found a new psychiatrist, also a quack, but this time provided by the Province. She told me to get off Paxil, yesterday. I went from 80mg to zero in one day. Holy shit. A note to the wise, don't go hiking. You will fall, fall, fall. Nature doesn't always cure what ails you. I was what is called "snowed". This is what you do to crazies that are a danger to themselves. They pump you full of so much drugs you can barely speak. No exaggeration. And my good friend incontinence?  Back for round two. This time, I was in Winners, staggering like a drunk and I lost all muscle control. Both number one and two. A great way to celebrate your 30th birthday. Snowing. Fuck. I was taken off all of the snow drugs once I found the New Westminster Mental Health Centre. They saw that I needed to be able to walk in a straight line and live without shitting on linoleum like an excited dog.

      Two years of experimenting has lead me to a good cocktail. I am off of Epival, which is great. Epival, while a great mood stabilizer , depresses one and leaves them a solid 15 IQ points lighter. With no memory. And let's face it, reading and writing skills are gone. You become an elderly man in one week. You hair begins to thin, you gain a solid 20lbs of belly fat and you can barely remember your own name. Sometimes you don't! Parking space? Who knows! Did I even take a car? What is that solid red light mean? Oh shit! Stop??!? But that is now all in the past. I am now on 225mg of Lamotrigine. It is for bipolar folks that end up depressed more often than manic. I am also on 10mg of Paxil for depression and ocd maintenance and Clonazapam and Rispiridone for funsies. Clonazapam is for people with crippling anxiety. I feel like such a celebrity on it. Michael Jackson had it in his system when he died. Rispiridone is for keeping OCD and psychotic features at bay. Have I been in a psychosis? Yes. Did I kill people? No. It just means that you perceive reality differently than others. Hell, using that definition, most of the Republican party are in a psychosis. But in actuality, psychosis isn't fun, or trippy. You are scared for the most part. There are not a lot of drugs out there for OCD. You have to learn coping statements to get through your day, hour or moment. I must repeat "It's just a thought, not a fact" to myself at least a dozen times a minute. I have pretty juicy OCD. I started going to  OA (Overeaters Anonymous) in order to stop obsessing about food. Turns out, I would rather think about food all day then slay the other disturbing thoughts that are hatching. So, dance on, little canolis.