Consumer/Survivor

Back when I was first working on my undergrad at UBC, I was a good little A-Type personality and wanted to secure myself a plumb summer internship.  I applied to all sorts of art institutions, one being Gallery Gachet. The position was for a grant writer, and they asked that one knew a) about art b) about grant writing and c) about "the system".  In this case, it was the mental health system, and the host of terms and phrases that were new to me. One in particular still stands out; "Consumer/ Survivor".  Consumers of mental health services and programmes and those who, well, survived them.  I thought that survivors were primarily from days past; horror stories from Riverview, psychwards of the past, et cetera. However, now I am not so sure. I have been in the system for all of four months. In that time I have seen four psychiatrists, a litany of nurses, prodded by insurance companies, hospitals and specialists. My first psychiatrist turfed me after I refused extra pills and wanted answers and firm diagnoses. The second one didn't "believe in taking pictures of her cat, it will take her soul", and put me on enough valproic acid to make a regular menses a thing of the past. When confronted with this side effect she threw up her hands and exclaimed: "oh god, you are pregnant and your child has spina bifida". Relationship terminated.    I have been "snowed", and then put on withdrawal inducing medication regimes. All the while being told how important sleep and staying positive are.  They put me on meds that were so strong I forgot how to drive and lost bladder control.   They have put me on sleeping pills so strong that if I am 20 mins off in taking them, panic and anxiety quickly course through my veins. How the hell am I going to get off of that one? More white knuckled nights? Oh swell...why was it so readily given out in the first place? I was on a waiting list for you? They now have me seeing a GP with an "interest" in psych drugs who works at the centre 2 days a week. The other 3 days a week, who knows.  Maybe specializing in foot odour issues and pesky calluses.  Oh swell. Let's experiment...with  my life, brain chemistry and quality of experience.  Four months in, I am a survivor.